a baby is not a solution to your problems
When having children for the wrong reasons inevitably doesn’t work and repeats the cycle
*Full disclosure: this does not include cases of SA, “baby trapping”, or lack of access to healthcare (which is a real issue happening in real time), and this article will potentially hit some nerves. This is based on observations not just on social media but also in my real life as well. I am also not someone that plays about children or their well-being. You were warned before reading.*
The longer I am an adult, the more concerned I am about people who are having kids. I’m noticing a growing number of people, even younger than me, wanting babies and have an idealized version of what parenthood would look like for them, what their kids would look like, etc. A lot of these people don’t have stable relationships nor are they financially in a place where they CAN have kids. This is surprising to me, because I come from the same generation that preaches mental health and breaking generational cycles.
My follow up question would often be “Why do you want kids?”. Most of these reasons go along the line of “I want to continue my legacy” or “I think babies are just the cutest things ever” or even “Maybe if I had a baby, I wouldn’t be so depressed”. Hell, there are even times where they want a baby as a way to keep their partner around (which doesn’t even work out in the slightest but I am getting ahead of myself here).
I will fully acknowledge that all the reasons to have children are inherently selfish. This is not to shame anyone for having children, this is simply a fact.
I don’t think people fully understand what goes into parenthood and what it even means to be a parent in general. This puts these kids in a disadvantage before they’re even brought into the world. Some people want babies the same way people want puppies. Yes, they’re cute and you just wanna love them all day. But what they don’t seem to understand is that puppies don’t stay puppies forever. Puppies grow and turn into dogs. They require training, more food, going outside to use the bathroom, toys, and they’re only around for a few years. Obviously puppies are easier and cheaper than babies, but you’d be surprised the amount of people that can’t even handle pets and they want babies.
I don’t think even the seriousness of pregnancy, let alone teen pregnancy, gets taken seriously as it is. I blame the lack of sex education on this. When you get pregnant, you know you are growing another being inside of your body. If you plan on keeping it, this being will become bigger, completely altering your body which ends up taking YEARS to recover from. The stomach gets bigger, leading to stretch marks forming. The inside of your organs get rearranged to make room for this baby. Hormones start messing with your brain and your body, making you emotional and often giving you aches. This is just a normal pregnancy, this doesn’t include other underlining health issues like high blood pressure, mental illness, endometriosis, too many to list. And don’t forget Postpartum Depression!
Not to mention at that point, it is no longer about you. Once that test tells you you’re pregnant, it stops being about you and you can no longer be selfish anymore. You have to act not just in your own best interest, but the child’s best interest as well if you plan on keeping it. Because once that child is here, that child is here, that is something you cannot take back.
Even with these health problems, there’s no guarantee that this baby will make the man stay or fulfill yourself. It is unfortunately normalized that men will often leave the mother and child if the situation gets too rough or they simply do not want the child, despite holding just as much responsibility in creating that child as the mother. Men can get 15 women pregnant in one day, but women can get pregnant once (rarely twice) a year. Not all men, of course, but still far too many for it to be normalized. Often times, too many times, the women are left with ALL the responsibility of raising a child. The actual person that suffers here is the child.
Babies do not stay babies forever, just like puppies don’t stay puppies forever. That stage only lasts 2-3 years. They will stick to your hip and depend on you for their survival. They start walking and talking. They grow into toddlers, then children. With that, they will eventually gain some consciousness and start processing the world around them. Children can be chaotic, each child is different for everyone. Things get more expensive because children constantly grow out of their clothes, their shoes, their appetites. Not to mention making sure they’re educated, have a community that support them and help out, taught how to regulate their emotions and how to even acknowledge them, basic life skills like cooking and cleaning, talk to them about empathy and compassion. Sticking them with an iPad or phone and expecting that to do the parenting is purely lazy. Children require A LOT of patience and understanding. I’m listing these things because there’s a lot more to having kids than just popping them out.
A lot of the people having kids, have them before they are ready and for the wrong reasons. Some are aware of this and still do it anyways. No therapy, no community, no money. Before you can even ask the serious questions on how they’re going to do it, they’ll usually just say “I’ll figure it out on the way”.
But here’s the thing…..
Children are not things you can “figure out” and half ass parent. Children are PEOPLE. Tiny people who’ve barely been in the world and need guidance and care. People with thoughts, feelings, and needs. They will go into society to be a contributing member and that all depends on how you raise them and take care of them.
**Adding as someone who is the oldest child, your first child is not a free trial for shitty parenting so you can do right by your second child and then wonder what went wrong with the first one**
If you have kids with the expectation that they’re going to turn out a certain way, you are only going to be disappointed. Kids will grow up to be teenagers and adults, fully autonomous beings. They may not want the same things out of life as you do. They’re not going to be perfect. They are not always going to be there when you “need them”, don’t parentify them. They will have a life, just like you (or perhaps not if you had these kids young). Save yourself the trouble and don’t expect things out of your child, YOU are the parent. You should love and accept your child for whoever they become.
For the people that wants kids to keep their partner around, really think about that for a second. First off, how is the relationship? Are you guys fighting all the time? Do you cheat on each other? Who wants a baby and who doesn’t? If the relationship feels like it’s on a decline, that could potentially be a sign of the relationship not being for you. Why add another person in that situation? Do you honestly think that’s gonna help? It’s not gonna stop them from leaving (usually doesn’t), but you are gonna be tied to them forever, even when you get over the loss and actually process it. It’s only gonna lead to resentment and anguish not just for the both of you, but for the child that did not ask to be here.
No child asks to be here.
For the people that think they want a baby because they’re “cute”, just don’t. Like I stated before, babies don’t stay babies forever. They are not an aesthetic for your Instagram. These type of people end up being disinterested in their child after those years are up and end up with another one. You shouldn’t care how your child looks, beauty is subjective.
**I’m also gonna add an intersectional note here as someone who is of color (black and white) because this is also a HUGE issue that I’ve also personally experienced myself. If you are a white person and you get with a POC because “I think mixed kids are cuter than white kids”, don’t have kids. Children are not an accessory nor are they tools for you to piss off your racist family members, they are PEOPLE and there’s extra layers to raising kids of color (like how to do their hair, keeping them in touch with their identity) as we are still living in a white supremacist world. Quit fetishizing POC!**
For the people that think children can help “fix them”, you are wrong. Your child is not a therapist and it is completely unfair to even give them a job before they’re even brought into the world. Again, parentification. If anything, children can amplify your problems if you don’t resolve them before they are here. Seek therapy.
For the people that want kids because your friends are having kids or your parents are pressuring you to, just be patient. Everyone’s life path is different and it’s not a requirement to have children. That’s also equivalent to giving into peer pressure.
For the people (mostly men tend to say this) who want kids to “continue their legacy”, please tell me exactly WHAT legacy? Especially when you take into consideration that most of the time, the mother is doing most of the labor of parenting (not saying men can’t be single parents or active in their kids lives, this is just common). What if that’s not what the child wants? Then what?
And children cost money. Hospital visits, doctors visits, diapers, bottles, clothes, food, shelter, any extracurricular activities your child MIGHT be interested in, school supplies, the list goes on and on. If you can barely take care of yourself or an animal even, why do you believe you can handle kids?
And for those who have kids and are gonna comment “you don’t have children so you don’t get to talk about that” or that are gonna call me selfish for not having them, here’s a thought. Do you NEED to have kids in order to care about them? If it doesn’t apply to you, why do you feel so offended? Did you have YOUR kids for the right reasons? If you didn’t, you have no room to call child free people “selfish” just because they aren’t dealing with the same obstacles you are (and most of the time, by choice) or because you regret having yours and are resentful of that. That is not everyone else’s problem and you should seek help or at the very least, evaluate why you regret having your kids. It is not our fault nor the kids fault that they exist.
Or even worse, if you pull the “mistakes happen” line, let me tell you something. CHILDREN ARE NOT MISTAKES. Maybe the person you did it with was a mistake, but a child’s existence is not a mistake. When you have unprotected sex, you tend to end up pregnant. There is a lack of accountability and responsibility in that statement alone. I will not tolerate that here, mistake my ass. But I digress.
MY PERSONAL STORY:
I am the oldest in a family of 4. My mom had me when she was 19 and my dad was 21 or 22 (don’t remember his age and don’t care to). It was not easy being raised by them. My mom was very emotionally unstable and was bitter for many years after my parents separated. My dad, on the other hand, is emotionally unavailable and spend the most of my life deployed until I was 13 (when he retired, it was the only income we had coming in). My dad didn’t do any of the parenting and barely spent his time with us, he spent his free time playing video games and hanging out with his friends.
I remember a conversation my mom had with me when I was maybe 6 or 7? My mom was reminiscing on how her life got to that point, raising 2 mixed girls by herself with no support from family. She told me to wait to have kids. She told me to be careful on who I chose to be the father of my kids and be absolutely sure they’re right for me. She went on this whole speech on how hard it is, especially by yourself, and that I should live my life first before I commit to parenthood because that’s what it is, a commitment. Get my recklessness out of the way and be financially stable first, that way when and if I have kids, I’ll be ready. I watched how emotional she got and had to help her regulate herself (I did this quite frequently).
“You can undo a marriage, but you can’t undo having a child with someone”
As much shit as I give my parents and as much as I state that neither one of them should’ve had kids, that was probably the best advice my mother had given me. She also gave me a very detailed sex talk and told me “HERPES IS FOREVER!!”. So far it’s worked. 23 and no pregnancy scare or husband. I do consider myself very fortunate there. If I had learned anything from watching my own parents, it’s what NOT to do. I’d say I broke a couple of generational cycles there.
I know for sure, for me personally, I want to be married before I have kids and it’s not something I’m willing to negotiate on.
“bUT MaRriAgE iS a SerIoUs COmMitTmENt!!!”……….and having children isn’t?
It is not your fault if you feel unloved your whole life, or if you have trauma. However, those are NOT reasons you should have a baby. That baby will not fill that void for you. It won’t stop you from living your life, but it is a responsibility that has to come first at the end of the day. It is no longer about you anymore.
The planet already has a lot of people in it. How many of us have unresolved trauma? How many of us don’t have money and are struggling to make ends meet? How about your health, is it in good hands? Do you have a community to rely on? How is your relationship if you’re in one? Do you feel like you’ve really lived your life? If you are a Gen Z like me, how are you breaking generational cycles if you are approaching parenthood the same way your parents did? And more importantly, why do you want kids?
Children are people, not objects of desire. They shouldn’t have to suffer because of your selfishness.
